All Day Dogs

                        Failure at the wheel, I was propelled all over the county yesterday. I couldn't fix a phone line, I couldn't reach two motherfuckers on the phone that worked, I ate chili peppers that will kill me soon, AT&T had me on the shine, a cable provider would not respond, I didn't understand the kids homework assignment.            
                        The dogs got away, stormed the gate en masse, and got caught treeing cats in a yard. I was cool, I walked right by the screaming woman and said, "goddam dogs, where do they live? Something needs to be done!"  Call me Judas the Denier of Dogs.
                            She was not fooled. She knew I was suspicious because the fucking dogs all ran over and started frisking around me in the street. I was going to try the old "I'm just like Jesus, they just come to me" line with my arms outstretched, but it would have insulted us both to try and carry it any further.
               I slunk off with the happy canine herd barking and shitting all over the place around me while I waved and feigned fear. We made it home before the cops came, but come they did. I know one of them, we belong to the same club and talk regularly. He didn't know I was the dog guy and I didn't know he was a cop, but the secrets are out now.
              "Are you the dog guy?" "No" "Are those all your dogs?" The motherfuckers go nuts when anyone for any reason knocks on the door, two start even before they knock. "No" "Were you just out with those dogs without leashes?""No" "Look Sullivan, we know it's you, can we come in?" Shit. I'm failing at lying to the cops now as well as everything else I've attempted. "Yeah alright, come on in, you want some coffee? I got some made.The fuckers escaped, I can't catch them fast enough, it doesn't...."
               I'm stepping back from the door and there goes the dogs again, now me and two cops chasing and yelling at them. The most fun a dog can have is when they can get a human to chase them. That's when they get even for all the times you said no or didn't give them a pork chop.
                      No man can catch a dog if the dog doesn't want him to. I am no longer a runner, but I have to make a show of it for the heat, so I lumber around a bit then I take a knee and call the hounds who come flying back to see if there are meaty treats involved.
                         They see quickly that they are not and file back into the house and start laughing at the silly blue men fifty feet away that were chasing them, then lie down to watch for snacks. "See what I'm up against here? Dogs of anarchy." The cops have had it, one of them is laughing, they tell me to keep the beasts tethered, quit fucking around or we'll have to give you a ticket bullshit and come in for a cup of coffee and the " I didn't know you were a cop" and "We been getting calls about wild dogs..." routine.
                       The anti dog matriarch down the street gave me a smug look from her porch when the cops came in. I'm glad she feels better. Wait until she sees the steaming piles in her flowers this morning.
                     No one can catch us before six a.m. out there, and we're watching c-span by then, long gone from the publics purview. No one has figured it out yet, except all the cats. I am subversive by nature, not confrontational. I will sneak around and do what I want for as long as possible.              
                   After the cops left I experienced the fullness of  success for the first time all day. I took a nap with no problem and so did the hounds.
                           Today is a new day and now we begin anew. Fucking dogs are ready already. They figure the other cats need to be visited asap. I can't seem to school them to calm the fuck down when the sun's up. They can hear a cat fart from four doors down, they share the info and look at me for confirmation.
                        "Have a biscuit. I didn't hear anything. Get down, stop humping BeBe's head, you're a girl dog too for christsakes". It's a comedy of dogs, all day, every day.
                 We're living large over here.